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wakeupcurtaincall[It was hard enough to compose the text--and probably unwise to boot. But he hit the send button before he could doubt himself any longer, and could only hope Nagisa would be gentle with him.]
Ive got a bit of a "heart problem" and I think I need to talk about it with someone?
Ive got a bit of a "heart problem" and I think I need to talk about it with someone?
no subject
Date: 13 Oct 2014 08:33 (UTC)Rin's brow furrowed when he looked at the screen. The message was from Makoto. It wasn't as if they never texted but - heart problems? What the hell? It took Rin a moment to piece together the situation, and when he did his concern didn't falter.
Was Makoto okay?
Rin sat on the edge of his bed and hunched over his phone. This wasn't how he envisioned spending his night, but if Makoto needed help, then Rin wouldn't think twice about giving it. A bit of a smirk tugged at his lips. He'd never begrudge Makoto any assistance, but the curiosity of just who was causing this 'heart problem' sweetened the deal.]
Go ahead.
no subject
Date: 13 Oct 2014 08:41 (UTC)He had made a terrible mistake.
A mistake that was painfully and quickly realized when he finally received a text back--not from one "Hazuki Nagisa" but "Matsuoka Rin". Which was really a huge oversight of his consider how close the last names were in his phone. Makoto had already had his suspicions when a text littered with emojis and questions was not fired back within mere seconds of being sent, as Nagisa was not one to leave him waiting. But he didn't want to check his phone, already feeling embarrassed about bridging the subject anyways.
His heart had already dropped to the lowest pit of his stomach when Rin's name flashed across his screen. Opening the message only proved what he feared.
How could he have texted Rin about this?
Makoto sends off a quick text in desperation, trying to save what little face he could.]
oh no Im so sorry that wasnt meant for you just ignore this
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Date: 13 Oct 2014 08:58 (UTC)It's fine.
You can still talk to me about it, you know. I'm not doing anything.
[Rin did want to help. He also wanted to tease the boy like no other. For that, he'd need more information. What girl was it? Did they know her? Or was it a boy? Either way, Rin was burning with curiosity. Hopefully the impending teasing could lighten whatever 'heartache' mood Makoto had gotten himself into.]
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Date: 13 Oct 2014 09:11 (UTC)He stared at the phone, contemplating just closing it and trying to fall asleep--but he would feel too bad about leaving Rin hanging like that. It wasn't Rin's fault that he had to be hasty and not double check who he was actually sending his messages to.
And Rin probably just wanted to help. Maybe. Probably. Probably also wanted to see him suffer in equal measures, but Makoto probably deserved that too.
It was a long moment before he could compose himself enough to send out another message:]
I know I can. Its just kind of...awkward?
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Date: 13 Oct 2014 09:19 (UTC)Instead of letting it die easily, Makoto chose to thrash around in the water. Resist the now inevitable fate of spilling it all to Rin. The redhead shifted in bed, flopping down on his back and holding his phone above his head. Whatever urgency had filled him earlier was draining now, leaving only the excitement of anticipation.]
You would have felt awkward with whoever that text was meant for too, don't lie.
The more you drag it out, the more time you have to feel embarrassed.
So just out with it.
no subject
Date: 13 Oct 2014 09:29 (UTC)...and yeah, he would've probably regretted it more with Nagisa, to be perfectly honest. All that enthusiasm would have curbed any courage he had left after even sending the text in the first place. Even's Rin nagging was much more gentle than any whirlwind the bubbly blond could've blown him over with.
But despite Rin being right didn't make the situation any more desirable.
Makoto set his glasses on the desk and on top of his half-finished English homework, getting the sneaking suspicion that he wasn't going to get anything productive done for a long while. A rub at his eyes and a sigh before he set to responding, still on damage control.]
I wasnt lying. But youre probably right.
Dragging it out is feeling like a really great alternative to actually talking about it though.
Actually now that you mention it its a great alternative and I think Ill stick to it for a while longer.
no subject
Date: 13 Oct 2014 09:42 (UTC)But Makoto had already broached the subject. He'd gone through all the mental preparation required to send that first text - there was a chink in the great knight's armor. It just needed a little push, just needed the right words to break through.
Too bad Rin wasn't ever good with words. He sat and stared at his phone for a long moment, smirk now faded into a look of frustrated concentration. As if he were stuck on a particularly tough homework problem.]
You were the one who wanted to talk about it.
Just do it like a band-aid. Rip it off. Send the text and then put your phone down if you have to.
[Rin was doing his best to be gentle, but the boy's patience was wearing thin even as he typed the first two messages. He could see the passive responses now, and decided to up the ante before that even happened.]
Or do I need to come over there?
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Date: 13 Oct 2014 09:54 (UTC)It was slightly comforting that Rin seemed to care this much about his love life--but really all he wanted was the issue to be dropped forever. Makoto should have never got it in his head to talk about it to anyone. He should have just let it stay locked up inside where it belonged because no feelings like that deserved any kind of recognition.
Not when they were aimed at who they were aimed at.
But Rin's resilient nature was winning out, and Makoto was growing weary to resist.
Or more panicked that is, when Rin's last message popped up on his phone.]
God. no.
Theres no reason to come over I promise!
Its no that dire.
Its just someone you know.
no subject
Date: 13 Oct 2014 10:14 (UTC)He cared, of course. The fact that Makoto had genuinely been seeking someone to confide in hadn't left his mind. Rin couldn't help that his friend was being cute about it. The other's attitude was jovial enough for Rin's mindset to remain in the schoolyard prodding method. He would take this as seriously as he needed to. When Makoto finally buckled down and talked to him Rin would surrender every ounce of focus to the boy's cause.
But they weren't quite there yet.]
You aren't going to make me guess, are you?
[Rin's first guess would have been Kisumi. That boy had been around Makoto since middle school. Rin had heard that he was quite taken with their friend, so maybe the brunette finally returned his feelings. Or maybe it was someone else. Haru? That was entirely possible, though Rin had never looked at the two of them that way. To him, Haru was a separate entity from the human bounds of 'romance'. One with the water, and who could suffer loving the sea? Or something dumb like that.]
no subject
Date: 13 Oct 2014 15:46 (UTC)Why did he have to drag it out, and why did he even have to bring up the subject of who the person was? He could've jumped around the issue forever; there was no way Rin would not get bored of it eventually if he was stubborn about it. But Rin had him scrambling with the threat of face-too-face conversation--it was much easier to be coy over text, and somehow less awkward.
Though it was pretty damn awkward over text too, and his heart and stomach hadn't stopped doing flips that would make an acrobat sweat since the first message was sent.
Makoto scrubbed at his bangs, knowing he was in too deep now but still struggling to keep afloat.]
i really dont want to make you guess. Its already awkward enough as it is without you throwing every person we mutually know at my face.
Which is a lot of people.
...but I also really dont want to bring it up so I dont know which is the lesser of the two evils.
[Why did he bring this up again? Couldn't he have survived just burying those feelings deep inside where they belonged? They were hard to ignore once he realized they were there--but certainly not impossible? Makoto could get over the heartache, he really could. Why couldn't he have left them an unvoiced fantasy instead of bringing them to life?
Regret wasn't going to save him now though, and as much as he hated admitting it, his mind was warming up to the idea of spilling everything.]
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Date: 16 Oct 2014 08:35 (UTC)[Of course it was awkward...for Makoto. Rin had already thought through the list of people they both knew. Not a single one of them would surprise him. His old friend had a very big heart. The boy would do most anything, despite how it would trouble him, to help his friends. Haru received the most help, to be sure, but Rin was never sure if that was due to a preference on Makoto's end or a malfunction on Haru's end. The taciturn boy did always seem to need some extra guidance.
Rin supposed it wouldn't take much to tip the scales from platonic to romantic love.
Being prepared for any answer may have saved the redhead any potential awkwardness, but it afforded him an equal exchange of impatience.
This wasn't going anywhere. Makoto was finding decision after decision to flounder with. Rin wasn't going to wait for Makoto to decide which option to take only to have to decide how to phrase his answer. This conversation needed a fire lit under it. Gently. Or Makoto might get spooked and abandon the conversation.]
If any one of us was going to fall in love, it was bound to be you.
[The non sequitur text was an attempt at softening the embarrassment Makoto was sure to be feeling. After hitting send, Rin realized that his words may have begged explanation but the last thing he wanted to do was give Makoto yet another avenue of escape. He scrambled to text again.]
I'll help you.
Tell me what you love about them. Tell me what you're worried about with them. It's someone we both know, so I'll understand who you're talking about even if you don't say their name.
[That was a start - get Makoto hooked on the bait and then circle in for the meat of the conversation.]
no subject
Date: 16 Oct 2014 18:33 (UTC)Though the next text had him stepping back from his thoughts, eyebrows raised at his phone. What was that supposed to mean, "if anyone was going to fall in love" it was him? Was he really that kind of person? It was true that he had a lot of care and affection to give, and it was never hard for him to devote his attention completely to anyone who sought him out. But that was always a completely different matter in his head--the desire to help people and see them happy came automatically and without thought.
The text did end up having Rin's intended affect on Makoto, as the brunet was derailed enough to seriously consider the offer in the following messages. It was still a long few minutes before he could reply.]
Its hard to say.
Not because I dont love things about them. Theres a lot of things I love about them.
But theyre just...little things. That I think Ive always noticed? I just notice them more.
Im just worried about changing things.
no subject
Date: 19 Oct 2014 07:21 (UTC)He'd rush into new and exciting situations. Rin had always been one to see the potential in himself and others. He knew that everything could be improved, and improvement was a form of change. To walk along the best path, sometimes you had to leave a well beaten trail behind. Rin had gone to Australia with those cliches in his heart.
Then his world had slowly darkened. Rin was changed, but not in the way he'd wanted. He'd grown farther from his friends and no closer to his dreams. There was a long while where Rin couldn't see the point, where he was convinced that his path had come to a dead end.
But that was all over now. His friends had come to his side. If that group was capable of reaching through the haze and anger that had surrounded Rin, they were more than capable of holding Makoto up through anything. Makoto who was always there for anyone who needed him, Makoto who was the warmest boy he knew. He would not want for support.
Really, whoever was on his mind was lucky to have him pining after them.]
Things have to change sometimes, so if you can be the one to make those changes yourself, shouldn't that be relieving? You won't ruin anything with them.
I think.
I wouldn't know because you haven't told me anything about this person. What are the little things? Even that much will let me know who we're talking about.
[The little things were important. Rin was the type to notice them himself, and saying that he only noticed them more just seemed like something a man in love would say. The redhead didn't consider romance a personal priority, but that didn't mean he was disinterested in it. Helping Makoto remained his first priority, and successfully gouging the information from his friend was second priority - but Rin also enjoyed hearing the musing of deep and true affection.
He bit his lip in anticipation, sitting up once more in bed. Now that the conversation seemed to be going somewhere Rin's frustration was beginning to wane. His fingers drummed the back of his phone as he waited for Makoto's response. Waiting like this wasn't getting any easier.]
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Date: 21 Oct 2014 06:36 (UTC)Makoto reread the message a few times, mulling over these words in particular. Change. Have to. Things have to change. It's not like those words weren't true. Everything was always changing. Friends drifted in and out of his life, people grew up. He grew up. Makoto was not the same person he had been in elementary school. He was hardly the same person he had been last year, and this fact didn't bother him. Change was natural, and it was no use to shy away from it or you could miss out on an amazing opportunity.
Change didn't have to mean everything was different. He knew But Makoto couldn't help but worry about this particular instance of change.
Though if anyone was going to know about initiating change, it would be Rin, Makoto thought briefly. There was no denying that Rin had been the catalyst of many changes throughout his life since elementary school. Rin didn't shy away from change--rather he faced it head first and challenged it to shake him.
It was admirable. Rin was a much stronger person than he was.]
I know. Im sorry about dragging it out more.
[Makoto had been defeated. There was no way he could keep his pathetic shambles of walls up when someone approached him genuinely.
More than five minutes passed before he could bring himself to type:]
I really like their smile.
[Afterwards Makoto would promptly tossed his phone at his bed, burying his burning face in his arms with a groan. He was hopeless. He was really hopeless. That piece of information was never going to help Rin figure out who he was talking about, but it was the first image that popped in his mind. And it was true, it was very true, but he had been so embarrassed typing it out that he couldn't bring himself to type anything else. His mind was too busy thinking of smiles now.
Ugh.]
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Date: 21 Oct 2014 07:32 (UTC)If he were a stronger person than Makoto, maybe he could have handled himself. But he faltered and fell before being lifted up by his friends, Makoto included. The fear of change was not something Rin considered idiotic. After what he had been through, that would be impossible. Still, the redhead stood by his boldfaced optimism. If Makoto initiated this change, he could control it!
At least it seemed like the other boy was growing more agreeable through each message. Makoto's umpteenth apology went unresponded to, but Rin could ony cock his head with a sideways smile as he read it. He could see Makoto's face now, guilty and flustered. It was endearing.
The notion of going to see the other face to face had never left the back of his mind, but it's spark was lit anew when Rin thought of how Makoto must be looking now, chewing over what to say in the next text. Surely it would be a long, flowery piece of what he loved about this mystery crush. Rin wished he was there to see Makoto's face when he pressed send. Each minute that passed only allowed the redhead to consider the notion more and more seriously.
Finally, the alert sounded on his phone.
Rin opened the message with excitement akin to a child on Christmas morning. And was subsequently let down like he'd just discovered a bag of coal. Their smile!? Of course he liked their fucking smile. It was one of the first things anyone ever noticed in a crush! Rin thought of Sousuke's lazy smirk of a grin, of Haru's barely upturned lips and of the stupid Mikoshiba smile. Whatever that meant was lost to him, as he was busy fuming over the lack of exposition on his phone screen.
He wanted to throw it. If ony he could chuck it hard enough for the damn thing to fly through the air and hit Makoto in the head. All playful musings as to how the other boy would be smiling sheepishly, blushing or fidgeting were gone. This was serious!]
You can't seriously expect me to figure it out from that!
Give me more before I come and shake it out of you.
[Rin had no confidence that Makoto would be able to elaborate if it took upwards of twenty minutes to wiggle 'nice smile' out of him. So he was back to threats. And a few minutes later, after he'd calmed down from the initial shock and anger spark, a heavy leading hand.]
Do they smile a lot? Barely? Tell me about it. Not what you like about it. [Or all he'd get was 'its cute'.] Just describe the smile, and don't halfass it!
no subject
Date: 21 Oct 2014 16:11 (UTC)[Guilt had driven Makoto to very quickly dive onto his bed for his phone when the tone finally chimed out again, any hold embarrassment had on his tongue was wiped away in his need to apologize for being a complete and utter moron. He couldn't even fault Rin for being frustrated.
This was stupid. He was being way too stupid about this, it's not like Rin didn't already know he liked someone! And Makoto had already narrowed down the option pool for him so it would only be a matter of time before the other boy figured it out. Rin had already threatened to come over and get the answer out of him personally--the brunet shuddered to think what lengths Rin would go to to find out if he didn't tell him. Images of the redhead trailing him, worming his way into Makoto's conversations, or god forbid going to Nagisa for his opinion flashed through Makoto's mind very akin to a horror film.
Maybe that was being extreme. But he was sure to feel guilty and uncomfortable no matter what happened.
A long and suffering sigh--the first of many he was sure--was heaved into his pillow, phone still clenched in his hand. There wasn't much sense in dragging it out much longer, was there? Exhaustion at playing this "game" was slowly creeping up on him, tugging at his heartstrings until they started to slowly unravel. What harm was there in telling someone, he tried to reason with himself. How would it make the situation worse? He might as well get serious and get this over with.
Rip it off like a band-aid, Rin had said.
Makoto gets back up from his bed, crossing over to his desk to have a seat there instead. A better place to focus than having the temptation to smother himself with his own pillow, he thinks. Glasses are slid back on to his face, if only to give his hands something to do as he thinks for a long moment on how to compose his next texts.]
They dont actually smile much.
I mean. People dont think they smile a lot. They smile more than people realize, but its usually not with their lips.
Its mostly with their eyes.
Which is why they get away with making jokes all the time because no one can tell if theyre being serious or not. I cant blame anyone though because they say some ridiculous stuff in complete seriousness too.
But its kind of like a cat. How they smile. Their gaze gets softer. And they relax. And look content.
[It's Haru his fingers want to type. But he still couldn't bring himself to type the words himself yet.]
no subject
Date: 23 Oct 2014 06:25 (UTC)His friend went on about Haru's smile, and Rin thought about the expression on Haru's face. He had a dozen memories for every bit that Makoto mentioned. He could see the small upturn of their friend's lips. He could hear him spout nonsense and say stupid things that people took too seriously. Rin among them. More than anything, Rin saw the happiness shining in Haru's eyes.
It wasn't anything like content relaxation, it was bright and shining and focused. It was the spark of interest, and Rin knew that Haru was happy when he saw that behind his eyes. The subject strayed from Rin as he fell into his own thoughts. Minutes slipped by as Rin thought of Haru's smile. He'd work hard to be on the receiving end of one each time they were together. Makoto, on the other hand, probably saw them all the time.
Rin's breath was cold as it passed over his lips. He noticed himself smiling, and the tug at the corners of his mouth suddenly felt exhausting. A dull ache began to form behind his eyes.
Change.
That was the issue here. Rin blinked heavily, refocusing himself on the conversation at hand.]
Haru. [His thumb felt like lead as he hit send. As if he was trapping himself. But this conversation wasn't about him, there was nothing for him to be worried about.
Rin pressed on, swallowing whatever had been welling up.]
It sounds like you really do like him. [Now who was stalling?]
You should tell him. You'd probably get to see one of those smiles you just talked about if you do.
[Of course it wouldn't be that simple to convince Makoto to confess, but Rin always was one to be forward with his intentions. That text had been the hardest to send yet, and a wave of heaviness came over him when the screen read 'message delivered'.]
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Date: 28 Oct 2014 19:55 (UTC)He wasn't sure if he was ready to acknowledge it. But Rin didn't leave much choice with his one word text, and all at once the ice in his veins turned to fire.
Haru. God, he really did have feelings for Haru.
Rin's next texts are read in a daze, a mantra of I like Haru, I like Haru, I really like Haru echoing in his mind, the floodgates of his repressed feelings opened completely to bowl him over with repressed thoughts. He always knew--he's known for a while what his feelings for Haru had become, but it was so easy to push them back and lock them away instead of admitting to himself that he had feelings for his best friend.
Feelings for his best friend. Exactly what he should not be feeling about his best friend.
What a horrible friend he was being.
Makoto had to go back and reread Rin's texts again, more guilt piling on his conscious for not paying them the proper attention the first time when Rin was just trying to help him out.]
I dont know.
I dont know if I can tell him.
I just...Im not exactly scared of him knowing? I just dont want him to know.
[He wasn't particularly worried about telling Haru for a specific reason either. Something was holding him back. Guilt? Embarrassment? Fear of change? Not wanting his feelings to be a burden? All seemed like pretty valid reasons for his hesitation.]